Wednesday, March 17, 2010


Have you ever just wanted to curl up and have a good cry?

That has been me this week.

So many emotions have been weighing heavy on my heart.

When my brother in law lost his father last week I was thrown back in time to when I lost my own dad. Even years later I am still missing him. I miss that nightly call. I miss his voice. I miss his sense of humor. I miss drinking tea with him.

Then to top it off my best girl friend found out recently she has borderline stage 4 cancer. She has only a 50% chance of surviving this. She is only 40. This week she shared her fear that she would not make it through this. I did my best to encourage her, to give her strength all the time fearing the loss of my friend. I can't imagine my life without her being a mere phone call away.

Then there has been my Mom who is getting ready for a grand adventure in her later years. She has packed up her home and is moving across the country to be with a man she met online. This brought up many emotions for me as I did that exact thing some 14 years ago. I want to be happy for her but I find it difficult as I know the dangers of picking it all up to start new. I know what it is to move across a country for love. I also know what it is to see it go up in flames all around you.

The other side of mom packing up her place is that she has been giving away many things to us kids. My home now houses my grandfather's waterfall cedar chest, an old picture of my favorite family pet, my grandmother's china and mom's wedding dress( from years ago). There is also a ton of family pictures to sort through. It is like a trip down memory lane. A trip filled with memories bad and good.

I feel drained, emotionally spent.

Then to top everything off this week there are 3 anniversaries, dates I wish were not seared into my mind. the anniversary of my step father's death, my wedding anniversary, and my divorce anniversary. With the memory of each of these more emotion comes tumbling to the surface.

I am trying to deal with my emotions. In the stillness of the night I find it especially hard. So many things weighing on me. Right now it is so hard not to get caught in the emotions. I am finding it hard to be present as my mind drifts to other people and how I miss them, or want to encourage them or warn them. This week I keep having to remind myself to breathe. Have you ever felt utterly caught in emotion?

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